The Mistakes We Make
No doubt about it, parenting is hard.
Shout out to the parents dropping their kids off to college this week. Judging by all the posts on my Facebook feed, there are a lot of you out there. I see you and I sympathize. My daughter is a senior this year and we’ll be in your shoes come August 2024.
I usually love seeing the back-to-school posts, but the college dropoff ones hit different. It’s a BFD to push a kid out of the proverbial nest, trusting that they can fly without your assistance. Their success in the real world feels like the ultimate test of whether you’ve done a good job as a parent or if you were sleeping on the job.
As I prepare to send my oldest to college in roughly 359 days (but who’s counting?), I’ve been asking myself if I think she’s ready for primetime or if there’s still lessons to be learned before she launches.
Last week I gained some clarity after coming across @4friendsover40 on TikTok. It’s a group of moms, all over the age of 40, who are dropping wisdom and talking candidly about the mistakes they’ve made as parents. Some admit they did too much for their kids growing up, others talk about doing too little to prepare them for reality. A few say there are times they wish they’d never had kids.
I reached out to my friends, many on social media, for their opinions. I wanted to know what mistakes they feel they’ve made with their own children and what they wish they would/could have done differently. Here are a few of their responses:
“Staying in a bad relationship for as long as I did to keep the family together.”
“Yelling at my kids. I was overwhelmed with my job and taking care of everyone at home that it was too much. I ended up taking that frustration out on my kids.”
“I didn’t give enough chores.”
“I didn’t teach them how to clean properly.”
“I tried to mold them into ‘mini-me’s’ instead of letting them be individuals. But that was because of immaturity (my own).”
“Co-sleeping. It sucked the intimacy right out of our marriage.”
“I wish I’d given the kids control of their own money earlier. Neither of them knows how to save or spend money.”
“Not trusting that my daughter was struggling with her mental health. My husband and I both thought it was a phase, that she just had too much homework or her activities were keeping her too busy.”
“Sheltering my kids from the mistakes and failures that even us as parents and adults make.”
“Not letting them problem solve enough on their own, or come up with their own solutions—Not encouraging independence more.”
“I wish I hadn’t dieted around her. Letting her see me obsessively weighing myself, calorie counting—she saw me spend a lot of time and money on changing the size of my body.”
“Not letting them have consent over their own bodies. I don’t know how many times I said, ‘Give grandpa a hug, or he’ll be sad,’ when I knew they didn’t want to.”
“Pretending that their dad’s abuse wasn’t happening. I regret excusing his behavior just to keep the peace.”
“Having kids at all. My partner convinced me to start a family. I sometimes wish I would have stuck to my gut on that one. I wouldn’t change things now but there are times I wonder what life would have been like had we not had children.”
“Not letting them just be kids. I think we force our kids to grow up too soon. You only get one childhood.”
It’s a rare thing when parents—mothers, especially—feel comfortable enough to admit that they’ve made mistakes in parenting. The internet is a particular judge-y place to admit failure. Who hasn’t read an article or social media post shaming women for not breastfeeding or letting their kids watch TV or use an iPad at an early age?
The fact remains that it does take a village to raise a child. As a parent, you have to rely on the help and advice of so many others to learn what you don’t know. It’s high time we acknowledge that parenting is hard work. Sharing knowledge (and failures) is the one of the best ways to reduce the stigma around what it means to be a perfect parent.
What Inspires Me?
I’m an Iowan born and bred, and I’m fairly certain there’s an edict that states that I’m supposed to like (and attend) the Iowa State Fair. I do, but I try to stay away during election years. That wasn’t possible when I was working for The Des Moines Register or Patch.com/AOL. Sometimes, you just had to suck it up, grab your notebook and camera and sneak a corn dog or funnel cake in along the way.
Last week, I came across the two photos above in my Facebook memories, taken in the summer of 2012. I was working for Patch.com and was in charge of taking my own photos for the website. Former President, Barack Obama had made a surprise visit to the Fair that year which sent us all scrambling to the Fairgrounds in search of a good quote or photo opportunity. Capturing Obama bending down so this baby could touch his hair was pure luck. I just happened to have a long lens and a little patience. I’m still super proud of this photo and seeing it again made me nostalgic for the days when politics felt less divisive and icky.
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Thank you for sharing the reflective thoughts on parenting and the photo of the child touching President Obama's hair... both are restorative.
Love this! I always tell my daughter, nothing has to be perfect! Just let it go. Her friends came in and out of our house constantly. It's OK if it isn't perfect, only that everyone is happy and welcome.