Ma Humbug! The Emotional Labor of Women During the Holidays
Santa isn't the only one doing the heavy lifting at Christmas.
In 2020, just a week before Christmas, a sketch titled “Christmas Morning” debuted on “Saturday Night Live.” It featured SNL regulars Kristen Wiig, Beck Bennett, Kyle Mooney and Chloe Fineman as a family opening gifts on Christmas morning. In it, dad and the kids rap enthusiastically about their holiday haul—mentioning everything from a pizza oven to roller blades, to a laptop and a vintage pinball machine—while mom laments about her one and only gift—a robe.
It was funny, but it also hit a little too close to home. I sent the link to my mom friends once it posted online. They could relate. For years, we’d all been in charge of making magic happen at Christmas. We’d planned the Christmas photo, sent out the cards, decorated the tree and the house, planned the trips, bought and wrapped the gifts, organized and cooked the meals, hosted the parties, and made sure everyone—from the kids to the in-laws—was taken care of during the holidays.
Most of the time, this work went unnoticed. The Elf on the Shelf always moved (well, almost always moved), wish lists always made it to the North Pole and cookies and carrots were always left for Santa and his reindeer on Christmas Eve.
It’s a lot for a woman to take on in the name of creating holiday magic, so much so that it has a name. “Emotional labor,” as it’s known, is the “sum of small acts performed by one person to make other people’s lives more pleasant and to protect them from negativity, including hiding the effort required to do so,” according to Dictionary.com,
Does the definition point to women specifically? No, but a recent study found that in 80% of different-sex households, women take on most of the work in a partnership, from taking care of children, managing the household, schedules, school work, vacations, events and even recognizing birthdays, anniversaries, etc.
For generations, this work has rested almost entirely with women. Even with a shift in gender norms, women report that they still take on the bulk of the responsibilities in their relationships. The holidays just amplify the already widening divide, with women taking on duties that are stereotypically “better suited” for them, like the cooking or gift-buying. Some suggest women do the emotional labor because they care more than men do. Maybe, but men are capable of caring, too.
I wanted to know whether this imbalance of holiday responsibilities was really an issue or if I was just speaking from personal experience. I surveyed friends on social media and by and large, it was unanimous: women were being crushed by the weight of all that emotional labor. Here are some of their responses:
I buy all presents for the kids, my family, and his family. When we sent out cards, I did it all. I do all the cooking. I schedule all the holiday trips (flights, lodging, research activities, restaurants.)
I do majority, except the cooking (meat) and I do most of the prep and baking…I might get help in wrapping!
Baking, shopping, meal planning, prepping, scheduling family Christmases, scheduling friends Christmases, wrapping, stockings......ALL ME. Tis the season.
I do it all. 100%
I do 98%. Shopping, wrapping, planning, food, decorating. My husband handles the Christmas music during our festivities .
First year divorced and I still do 100%. I have no clue what their dad does because it is “too painful for him” to try to maintain some semblance of tradition or routine for the kids.
I did it all 100%. Now that they’re grown, I share the Christmas spirit with the adult kids. Their dad still does zero for them. He even still comes to my house to see them instead hosting his own holiday with them. We separated in 2019.
I do everything! Husband shops for me and wraps it but everything else is on me.
And finally, It's me, hi. I'm the problem it's me.
There were plenty of other stories, some more pointed than others. Some of the most difficult to read came from single moms who do it all for their kids without co-parental support. Again, it costs nothing to care about another person, kids especially.
Is this the norm for everyone? Of course not. I imagine there will be feedback from folks who say this doesn’t fit the narrative in their household. I applaud those partners who step up to make Christmas magical for everyone in the family.
My wish this Christmas (and for every holiday after that) is that we start recognizing (and assisting) the unsung heroes of the holidays: women. Take charge of something, start to finish like wrapping gifts, ordering groceries, cooking a meal or just filling her stocking so she has something to look forward to opening/emptying on Christmas. Don’t ask her to make a list for you other than “top five gifts” she wants this Christmas. Do the shopping yourself. Make it about her and recognize her effort to make the season magical. And for God’s sake, don’t you dare buy her a robe.
What Inspires Me?
This made me laugh. Maury Povich was asked to reveal the paternity of an orangutan born at the Denver Zoo and he did so with aplomb. And after his dog died, Steve Grieg adopted dozens of dogs. I’m not crying, you are. (Seriously, I bawled.)
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I'm one of the "not in my house" people. But we also are more targeted about what we do for the holidays. Decorating is limited to the tree and a few small things like nutcracker dolls, which we do as a family. No letter. No homemade cookies. We tend to split up gifts, wrapping, planning, etc, pretty equally.
THIS! 💯 Thank you for writing what so many of us have been thinking for so long.