It's a Gay Day

National Coming Out Day recognizes the 1988 March on Washington for LGBT rights. There's still so much work to be done.

Today is National Coming Out Day. Celebrated every year on Oct. 11, National Coming Out Day is in recognition of the first National March on Washington for lesbian and gay rights held in 1988. The idea behind National Coming Out Day is simply this—if you identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, asexual, intersex or two-spirit, coming out matters. It matters to those who are already out and to those who are still questioning their own identity, because coming out stories are powerful. Let me tell you why.

My 16-year-old daughter is a lesbian. In 2021, she officially came out to friends and family, coincidentally, on the 52nd anniversary of the Stonewall riots and on the day of her 15th birthday. She’d carefully written and rewritten the Instagram post where she would finally declare that this was who she was and I admired her for it.

Admittedly, she’d come out to me months before, but I knew it would take some time before she was ready to share the news with others. We weren’t exactly living in a rainbow-friendly world at that time. We were still reeling from the constant right wing attacks on the LGBTQ community, parents attempting to ban queer books in school libraries and even Iowa’s own governor passing laws that ban transgender girls from playing sports. Who would blame her for taking her time, and letting the dust settle?

But she persisted and just days before the end of Pride month, she came out—publicly and without hesitation. To say I was proud would be an understatement. She was met with praise and admiration, support and love. It was exactly as I’d hoped it would be for her.

Something else happened with that historic post. Buried in the comments, among the "Congratulations” and “YAS, QUEEN” were the questions: How did you do it? How did you come out? My heart sank.

All of my life, I’ve been an ally. Even growing up in a small Iowa town, I understood how important it was to be one—to stick up for someone who was different or who didn’t have anyone else sticking up for them. We had nothing, but it didn’t cost me anything to be kind and compassionate.

Bigotry is everywhere and it ran rampant in my hometown. I had gay classmates who didn’t come out until well after they’d moved away. There was the gay hairdresser who was often called the f-word just because he worked too close to a cis-owned business. And there was the article I wrote for the local newspaper that was heavily-sanitized when I’d written that my source was dying of AIDS and that his mother was hoping to complete his panel for the AIDS Memorial Quilt before he passed away (she did).

I’d wrestled with my allyship for years, never really understanding that not everyone was like me. It never made sense that there were people who hated others just because of who they loved.

Being a parent and having one of my own children come out was a watershed moment for me. My daughter did it because she felt loved, and she knew she would be supported no matter what. How could any parent react differently?

That’s exactly what’s happening. According to The Trevor Project, 45% of LGBTQ youth seriously considered attempting suicide in the past year. Nearly 1 in 5 transgender and nonbinary actually attempted it. The rates of LGBTQ youth of color attempting suicide are even higher.

My daughter understood this and she carefully and compassionately explained to those friends who DM’ed her that it was important that they find their tribe, that they find someone who could be an advocate for them, someone who could listen to their concerns and questions with empathy and understanding. She recommended that they call or text The Trevor Project’s 24 hour hotline. She offered also to simply be a listening ear if they needed one.

Bigotry still exists. Hate still prevails. But love is stronger and with this new generation of young people willing to live their most authentic lives (out loud), there is also hope. So, maybe the next time there’s a March on Washington, the voices of the young people who are out and telling their stories will carry to the ears of the haters and naysayers, and to the halls of government. Because we still have a lot of work to do, and it’s time we get started.

What Inspires Me?

Since my daughter came out, I’ve made it my personal mission to give time, treasure and talent to organizations that make the world a better place for members of the LGBTQ community. Some of those organizations include: One Iowa, Iowa Safe Schools and Capital City Pride. I’m also a volunteer for The Trevor Project which is literally saving lives every day with just a phone call, text or chat conversation. If you’re an ally and you believe that LGBTQ rights are human rights, I urge you to give to these organizations, too.

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I’m fortunate to be a part of the Iowa Writers Collaborative (IWC) where a dozen or so brilliant writers come to share their work. All of them offer free subscriptions (kind of a try before you buy thing), but it’s the paid ones that keep food on the table.

Consider subscribing to one or all of these fantastic scribes. I promise you can’t go wrong.

Iowa Writers Collaborative: Iowa Writers Collaborative

Laura Belin: Iowa Politics with Laura Belin

Doug Burns: The Iowa Mercury

Dave Busiek: Dave Busiek on Media

Art Cullen: Art Cullen’s Notebook

Suzanna de Baca: Dispatches from the Heartland

Debra Engle: A Whole New World

Julie Gammack: Julie Gammack’s Iowa Potluck

Beth Hoffman: In the Dirt

Dana James: New Black Iowa 

Robert Leonard: Deep Midwest: Politics and Culture

Chuck Offenburger: Iowa Boy Chuck Offenburger

Mary Swander: Mary Swander’s Buggy Land

Ed Tibbetts: Along the Mississippi